mystery panic attacks

the worst feeling is when you don’t even know what’s triggering your anxiety.

this is the third time today where i’ve had to stop what i’m doing and focus on pushing back a panic attack.

there is literally nothing that could be causing this anxiety, yet it’s still happening.

the reason why this is so upsetting to me is because i feel like i’m getting worse. i thought i was making progress mentally. i was talking to someone about my feelings, i’m clean from self-harm for almost a month now, and i even started this blog as a healthy outlet to vent.

now i’m getting mystery panic attacks and i hate myself for it.

i know i should really start seeing someone, a therapist or something, but i’m terrified. the second i get diagnosed with something, there’s no going back. right now, there’s a chance that i’m still blowing things out of proportion. that it’s not that bad, i don’t actually have a mental illness. i’ll be fine if i ignore it.

the second i give in and go to a therapist, everything that’s wrong with me gets solidified. i start taking pills, and there goes my personality.

if that happens, it won’t be long before i take too many pills, and chase them with whiskey.

my mom’s been pushing the idea of therapy lately, and she doesn’t understand why i refuse. i don’t even want to try and explain it to her, because she’ll think i’m just being dramatic.

maybe that’s been causing those panic attacks.