let’s think of something better, before we start screaming

i can’t stop replaying those words in my head.

“oh yeah, you’re one of those people who says you’re nothing, aren’t you?”

this guy that i work with, he’s  the first person who i wish I hadn’t come out to, because he does not respect my identity. at all.

i still remember the first day i told him, when he immediately laughed and told me that didn’t even make sense, that there’s only two genders.

but that isn’t true! i know it isn’t. i know it isn’t.

and yet, all i can hear is his mocking tone. replaying over and over in my ears, pushing me towards the razor blade in my bedside table.

it affects me so much. we were friends, and now i have to pretend i still like him, and work with him all the damn time, and deal with constant misgendering and disrespect.

i don’t even think he realizes how much it hurts me. and i don’t have the courage to speak up.

i’ve considered reporting him for harassment, but he’ll know it was me, and i have way too much anxiety to even consider that option.

fuck, i wanna smash my head against a wall.

that smug look that’s always on his face… he’s so confident in who he is. he’s never questioned the very core of his identity, hasn’t had to deal with bigots who won’t respect him.

he’s normal, like i wish i was.

is it that hard to just let me live? to accept that no, i’m not a boy or a girl? to use neutral pronouns?

i dissociated at work again today and almost screwed the entire night up, and all i can say for sure is that he triggered it. him and his stupid transphobia.

i just want it to stop.